Lost

I have been lost my whole life it seems like. I don’t truly know what happiness is. Or what it is like to stay happy. This week I made a friend. Everything was going great. She even joined my buisness. Everything was great and we were building a friendship and a partnership with the buisness. But then all the sudden she told me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend … she told him I would be down for a threesome trying to gain some kind of attention or respect from him. The thing is is that I’m not. Then she tried to kiss me and I turned her down politely. I have a boyfriend whom I fall for more and more every day. So now she is acting like it’s the end of the world that I turned her down and we can’t be friends and she doesn’t want to build this buisness with me she wants to build it with someone else…. this is so frustrating for me. I felt like things were finally falling into place and that I was finally going to accomplish things and then BAM! It was like a freight train and when she called my other buisness partner she wanted to lie to her about what happened and say that I had a thing with her boyfriend…. no crazy idk your boyfriend I just don’t understand how this continues to happen. How I continue to get put into situations that end badly for me. 

Then I finally came out about why I’m not friends with a certain person and BAM ! It’s all me. My fault. She did nothing wrong and I’m a terrible person. I play the victim card and I owe her all this money and blah blah blah. Ummm actually no. There is witness to your actions honey. You just don’t want to admit what you did was WRONG !! 

How does on get out of the “can’t be happy” mentality. I know I can be but why is it that when things are really good one little piece of that goodness ends up breaking apart. 

I am sitting in the middle of one of the most beautiful parks in my home state. It is sooo green and I can hear the animals around me chirping andcooing. It’s the most beautiful area you could imagine. But my soul can’t stop worrying and my heart is just broke for no reason. 

Advertisements

…. being a girlfriend 

So how I always imagined being a girlfriend is establishing a relationship mutually. Relationships scare me but at the same time I long for one. I’m only getting older… 

So here’s the scoop. I met a guy when I got back to the Washington about a month ago… we spend about 90 percent of the time. He is 29 a mechanic and the army and an amazing dad to two beautiful girls that are ten and eight. I was really nervous about them even knowing about me what if things don’t work out with him? Wellll he ended up telling them about me and telling them that I’m his girlfriend. Yup! I’m his girlfriend. I was kind of caught of guard when he said this…. partly because he didn’t ask. Lol. But I caved and hung out with him. Right now I can’t imagine my life with out them… all three of them. 

He makes me laugh when I want to cry, and let’s not even get into the whole me even trying to be mad at him because it doesn’t happen. I can’t be mad at him at all…. he just lays and watches movies with me when I don’t want to do anything. It’s amazing. My heart is full when I’m with him. This SCARES me. Just so everyone knows. Lol. 

But for right now I’m okay with being his girlfriend or what ever this is going on. 

She hit a house ….

…. You don’t want to drive with her she hit a house. 

Yup! That’s right. I’m that girl that made the news because she hit a house! I remember that day like it was today…. April 4th 2016.

 I was your reigning Miss Washington US 2016, I had just left a meeting with a teacher about going into her class and speaking with her students on positive life choices. Ironic your thinking huh? I was on my way to a personal training session and talking on my blue tooth with someone from the Seattle Mariners about the Washington United States Pageant doing fundraising with them. That poor woman who heard the entire crash on the other side of the phone… 
Let me tell you again…. I AM THE GIRL WHO HIT A HOUSE. but what I bet your wondering is how it happened. So here goes. 

I remember sitting outside in the persons yard shortly after it happened while the whiteness called 9-1-1 after getting me out of the car…. I called my brother and all I could say was my car hit a house and I was in SO much pain. Can you imagine your baby sister calling and telling you that? On a side note…. this was the fifth time I had been hit by another car… so really it wasn’t so shocking but he thought that I just you know ran into a house. Just like your probably thinking right now too …. remember there’s always more to the story than meets the eye….

I was driving south down a street called post. This street if you don’t know is single lane going both direction but after buckeye (I believe is the street name) the drivers on post gave the right away for several miles. It had been raining that day …. (it’s Washington duh! If it’s not snowing it’s raining. Or even doing both in the same day….). I was going the speed limit which is 30 mph, minding my own business and all the sudden I see a dodge truck not stop… or Even yeild for the stop sign (people from California move to Washington… you know California stops)… I slammed on my breaks but it wasn’t enough. He hit me. All I can remember thinking is block my ribs from the air bag…. so I did causing my hand to break. It took me five seconds to realize my car didn’t stop and was moving across the other lane of traffic (thank God that no one else was coming that direction). My seat belt had down its job, air bag deployed and all I could think about was holy f*ck my car is going through there living room if it doesn’t stop … tried the breaks and nothing. So I grabbed the steering wheel and yanked as hard as I could… hitting a con create slab turned into stairs up to the people’s house … ummm yeah when an air bag deploys just so y’all know it is really dusty… kinda like smoke. So insue anxiety and freaking out because in a matter of 30 seconds my life legit flashed through my eyes as I was trying to not hit a house and figure out what was really going on. Besides knowing my guardian angels were there holding on as tight as they could so that more damage wasn’t done.  

This has been the worst. I don’t have my own car and can’t get my own car for a long time… I still have issues from it that I’m trying to work out physically but emotionally too. I get freaked out by other drivers, espicslly once that are on that side of my car. I have flash backs from it. But the worse thing is when my “friends” think it’s cute to tell people that I hit a house but leave all the other details out. 

It isn’t funny. It’s actually really hurtful and makes things worse. I keep asking myself what I could have done different. Not to mention the dirty looks and rude comments I get because of it. All I want to do is cry when this happens because even explaining myself people don’t believe me at that point. They see me as the idiot who hit a house …. and has been in four other accidents. Don’t drive with her. 
I want to be the girl who survived that. Who can show that any can survive it. 

Sometimes the people around you don’t understand your journey. They don’t need to it’s not for them

Being engaged and not telling…. 

In may of 2014, I met Joshua Edward Barron. And did he surely change my life. I can tell you right now that it it wasn’t for this man I wouldn’t be alive today. He is my Marine and I wouldn’t change the time we had together for anything in the world. 

Josh and I both believed family over everything. His family was the reason he joined the Marines. He was the protective older brother that every girl wished for. He loved his brother and sister more than anything and always talked about his sisters cheerleadering and playing hockey with his little brother growing up. He was truly proud of them. 

We quickly fell head over heals for each other and decided to plan to get married towards the end of the summer of 2015 under two circumstances. The Marine corp would allow it and our families got along. So we promised that until he came home we would solely focus on my education, his career and building a rock solid relationship for when the day came for him to come home. 

July of 2014, Josh was online when he found a website that someone blasted me on ruining my reputation and getting me kicked out of Miss Spokane. Josh understood the situation and continued to get to know me and sticking by my side. He said that nothing even that could come between us. 

But, then I began being harassed. Told I was asking to be posted onto the site and that I wanted the pictures to be taken. That I as a slut and I would have defamation of character charges pressed against me if I didn’t keep my mouth shut about Planks envolvment. I lost all of my “friends” except for Josh. Those friends couldn’t handle being seen with me, associated with me, or me being depressed. So one night I sat and wrote letters to people. I planned out my suicide and told Josh that I loved him but I couldn’t do life anymore. 

Josh didn’t take that to heart and begged me to not give up. He encouraged me to leave Spokane and find the hope I had lost. He was encouraged me to do what ever it took to get better so we could live happily ever after. He even told me to do my thing and he would be there waiting for me at the end of the tunnel in the light. Waiting to hug me and give me the biggest kiss in the planet. 

That next May 17 2015 Joshes osprey went down which ended up killing him and one of the other guys that he was on pre deployment with. My world was shattered and shaken to the core. My text I sent him a few days before was never read. My hero was gone. In an instant all of our plans were gone and my future didn’t exist anymore. 

I have been fighting daily to be someone. To figure out where I go in life next. Do I tell people our story? Or do I let it go with the wind? I waited almost a year of it slowly killing me inside and I finally opened up. 

I am now a lier, a bitch, crazy. I recently got how dare I disrespect a fallen hero because we made the choice to wait to tell people. Was it the best choice? Probably not but it was what we wanted. 

Do I know who these people are saying these things? No 

Does it hurt like hell? Yea 

Does it matter? No it’s not there life 

How do I move forward? That is what I’m still trying to figure out……..

Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal. 

The fall out of the pageant girl 

Hey guys, here’s your first insight. When I was growing up my brother had about 8 best friends that he grew up with which meant I was raised with these guys. They became my brothers too and until they graduated high school we all did everything together and I would to this day move mountains for any of them! When I was 20 one of them decided in a drunk and drugged state that life would be better with out him. Which isn’t anywhere near being true. I was so so heart broken. This wasn’t my first loss and it for sure wasn’t my first loss to suicide but having it be one of my big brothers was insanely difficult. So here comes Miss Spokane … I was told I had a strong platform and that I would be a good fit to be apart of the program. Needless to say they just needed girls to fill the stage and I never truly had a shot at winning but they pushed me and pushed me until I lost my soul. I heard that the board members were telling people I would never win. That I wasn’t pretty enough nor was I good enough and that I needed to just give up. I poured my heart and soul into the program and the relationships I slaved over. I put my entire life on hold for them. Then, they introduced Matthew Plank to the program… because he was “friends” with important people who have a lot of money so they could benefit the program. Well Matthew was also a photographer and made all these promises to help with my platform and do headshots for me no strings attached …. until it came time to do the head shots and he demanded that I take some “maxum” photos …. I told him no repeatedly and should have not gone to the shoot but I figured he would have backed off. But he didn’t. He kept pushing. So under the understanding of what I thought was a legal binding contract… only to find out later it wasn’t. And he released at least one of the photos with awful things attached to it. I know for a fact that it was him. I remember the day they were taken like it was yesterday. It was the WORST experience of my life and I can honestly tell you that I will never be the same again from it. In the months following he begged me to go to his house late at night and when I would say no he would continuously threaten to ruin my life… little did I know that he was serious. As soon as I found out I turned it into the board members for the pageant and with in a week I was band from the Miss America organization … for posing naked! What a joke just so you know. I wasn’t naked at all. I actually had more cloths on then I did competing on there stage for the local titles.  But the director for Washington wouldn’t let me fight for my opportunity to continue with the program. In the months following I got nasty messages from a lady named Ann Marie telling me that if I didn’t leave it alone I would be sued for defamation of character. That it was my fault and I asked for it and I posted it all by myself for attention. I wanted to die. I planed out how I would kill myself I wrote letters. Everyone that I thought loved me and cared about me left me when I needed them the most. Everyone except Josh but will talk about him more later. They made me feel worthless though and like life would be better with out me. Ann Marie would call other directors to make sure they knew about me…. past along a poor judgment of charactor toward me.

 Josh encouraged me to research other pageants that might accept me for me. Who wouldn’t pass judgement on me either so I did my research and found the Miss Washington USA program. Maureen and David were the most kind hearted none judging LOVING people I have ever met. In all honesty they were a light at the end of the tunnel, something that I could hold on to and let slowly into my life. I would never win in there system. I’m not what they are looking for. I don’t know how to not share my opinions. Which is okay. I honestly competed in there system because of the love and compassion there staff has for each and every girl. It brings hope to so many. 

The purple ribbon pageant was the next “fun” pageant I did. But being Spokane and the small town feel the drama was really quick to come. Yup! Ann Marie was one of the judges and she told the only judge that didn’t know me not to expect anything great from me on stage. And the MC and director at the time, Stacie, to this day has some kind of beef against me. I’m not sure why or what I did to her but she has massive beef. I got runner up out of two girls that weekend. It was the worst experience ever. 

Next up, Today’s American Woman, “we have no drama and don’t care what you bring to the table” yes but they double draft money from PayPal and they don’t give you a refund for there mistakes. Let alone they make there pageant seem so fantastic and like you get all this cool stuff from there pageant but I haven’t received any of it yet …. then when you think they are giving you your money back really they send you a letter saying if you don’t stop making lies up and talking poorly on social media they’ll sue … everyone is so sue happy these days! Not to mention the director is mooching off the state and making money from the poor innocent souls paying to compete in this crap show…. 

Next up Miss Washington US. I feel like I need to clear the air with this one! Yes I bought the open title because No one wanted to compete…. i paid 1500 dollars to basically be the little “bi^ch” for the weekend. I wasn’t talked about except to be crowned and not mentioned at all. Never once was I announced outside of that night as a title holder and no matter how hard even after getting hit by a drunk driver I worked she wouldn’t work with me. So for medical reasons I resigned. Not even an HOUR later the new Miss Washington was announced and hailed praises too on every outlet possible! Talk about a slap in the face to make it even better Kristin the director went around telling people I was dethrowed. Hahaha ummm NO! 

Last but not least. My favorite. Regal majesty. I may compete for regal some day again but not for a long time. I was completely embarrassed by how my make up and hair artist acted and handled the weekend. She was a distraction and didn’t really care about me as much as she did about the other girls. It was a horrible experience. But the rest of the weekend was amazing. There is a reason they got voted in the top in the pageant industry. 

I have a voice to be heard. I speak what people don’t want to hear and I don’t conform my ideas to fit the needs of others. This is not accepted in the pageant industry. For now I need to find my soul and my happiness in my life before I tackle the pageant cercit again. My soul is so dark and lost that I need to be happy for once not stressed about this life …. 
That and Im still hurt by Matthew plank. The man who could do no  wrong and would never post a pic like that to be evil…. has done this to several woman…. with way worse pictures and recently had to register as a sex offender due to being caught trying to meet up with a teen age girl. But don’t worry he would never intentionally do anything with anyone but sell drugs for sex. 

Be strong, but not rude; be kind; but not weak; BE BOLD but not BULLY, Be HUMBLE but not timmed, be proud not arrogant. 

About this :) 

For so long I have put so much before myself. I take on too much because I have so much that I don’t want to face. I put too much on Facebook and it doesn’t turn out good in my favor. So this blog is going to recap my last few years and the point that I hit my rock bottom and my journey back up. It’s going to be about how I feel about things and comments that people make towards me. And how I am working through them. But it’s also going to be about the adventures that I’m going to be taking. It’s a year in the life of finally finding who I’m supposed to be.